The End of Fear is Where we Begin

Then we have a long, long way to go. You know that thing they say about confronting your fears, and then they'll go away and everything will be rainbows and unicorns from that moment on? Yeah, that has a bit of a dark side. I mean I'm not saying it doesn't work. I've certainly gotten better with hospitals and I think the claustrophobia-issues may be decreasing just a tiny little bit. Or possibly I was never really scared of small spaces, but just confinement, which is similar, but not entirely the same. And also kind of a paradox since I am also extremely uncomfortable being in the middle of a room now. FOR WHATEVER REASON. I guess I developed a fondness of walls of some sorts.

However, the ~face your fears and they will disappear~ approach has not helped for my social anxiety whatsoever. In fact I think it may have made it worse. The only thing I'm getting better at is writing formal e-mails, everything else is just going backwards. Like, I thought it would be a great idea to go to a nerdfighter gathering because it would be super nerve-wrecking and yay! Fear! Nope. Even though I really like those people and it was kind of fun I am now dreading the thought of ever going to one of those meetings again. Which really sucks because I really do want to.

But okay, fair enough, meeting a bunch of strangers in an unknown place has never not been scary, right? Even if it has been getting even scarier recently. But now my anxiety has come to a point where I'm dreading the nearing birthday of one of my best friends. Because there may be a party. And I will be expected to attend and it would be really shit to say no. Plus, his parties have always been really great and fun and used to be a highlight for me. But now... Even if there won't be alcohol, I don't think I can do it. I just genuinely don't think I can do it. Just the thought of going to a party of his makes me want to drown myself, whereas a few years ago, these parties where something I used to look forward to.

I went to a party last weekend. And it could hardly be called a party, since there were exactly two people I didn't know in the same room, and they left about an hour after we'd arrived. And the other room was crowded with strangers, but then, we weren't expected to interact with them. (For which; THANK YOU JESUS.) Still I felt uncomfortable the whole time, and the next day we went into town to have lunch. Only the lunchroom we always go to was crowded, and I panicked.

I weakly protested, but I felt like my friends were annoyed, and I can't blame them. It ís annoying and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person who doesn't go to parties because she's too afraid of people. I don't want to be the person that's too scared to have lunch at a crowded lunchroom, or the person who doesn't even look forward to seeing her best friends anymore, just because it means having to leave the house. I don't want to be the person who panicks as soon as someone sits next to her on public transport, and the person who'd rather get lost than ask a stranger for directions.

And if I'm going to be that person, how the fuck am I supposed to approach random strangers in a formal context, and to put them in front of a camera and tell them how to position their body parts? Because that's supposed to be my job in a few years, and it's something I'm supposed to be able to do already and it scares me só much. But I still want to do it. I really want to be good at this. I want to and I need to. So I can't be the person I'm becoming right now.

And I wasn't always that person, either. I used to be extroverted. I used to talk to random strangers on the train. I used to purposefully draw attention to myself at parties. So why? Why now? Because of work experience? Because of the bullying? That happened in middle school and high school, so why does it come back to bite me in the butt now, when the bullying has finally stopped? Why can't I just enjoy that it's over and feel good about myself again. It's like every time I'm doing alright for a while, my brain invents some stupid reason to feel like shit again, and I try to resist it, but it doesn't always work.

The other thing that's been getting worse, which is possibly even more annoying, is my fear of being touched. Which is now, just that. A fear of being touched by anyone I'm not close to. It's no longer just an intense appreciation for personal space, it's a legit fear now. Last night I had three nightmares. The first one was silly, something about me messing up some photo-printing job. The second one was awful. It started out as one of those happy dreams that you don't want to wake up from. The sun was shining and it was summer and everything was warm and well-lit and everyone was smiling. Then one of the few people in the world I trust completely appeared and practically assaulted me. It was completely out of the blue and I didn't even have time to try and stop them.

I woke up crying from this dream but after the best of two hours I fell back asleep for some more bullshit. This time some random lady was determined to run me over with her car. She chased me all across the pavement and I was running and screaming for help, and though the streets were full of people, nobody even lifted a finger. And it wasn't like they didn't see me, they did. They just shrugged and walked along.

When I woke from this one it was four in the morning and I was too scared to go back to sleep, so I read until about five, and then went back to sleep with less than an hour less. Granted, I was exhausted today, but I guess I'm getting used to that as well.

Facing the subject of the second nightmare today was incredibly awkward and I had to convince myself that it didn't actually happen, and that that person would never do such a thing. I was lucky to remember that the person in my dream had a face full of freckles, whereas the actual person, does not. (Other than that their faces were identical, and they were the same person, but somehow, this random fact helped stress the fakeness of the dream.)

It's like my subconscience is a seperate entity, diabolically bent on screwing with my mind. "Oh, you think you trust this person? Here, have a nightmare of them molesting you!"

I started writing this post in the morning, and my day did get better as it went on. I feel okay right now, if a bit melancholic. I guess all I can do is just wait for the GGZ to help me, because I don't think I can stare down this one on my own. Which is how I've felt, recently, more than ever. Alone. Misunderstood, abandoned, worthless, weak and alone. Very much alone.